Nine days till lift off...

So, major fail. I have not been keeping up with my daily food dairy. Ha, things have been too busy for me to

have the "luxury" of doing such things. There are only nine more days till I leave SF for HNL for the Winter Break. It will be a month of family, friends, beach, GOOD food, running, and ultimate bliss. I am really looking forward to it :D

Until then I will be working my ass off on finals, presentations, etc. This week is HELL week for me; I had a series of three paintings due today for my final/critique, a project and presentation, another painting and part of my other project due tomorrow. Then on Wednesday I have a portfolio for painting due and on Thursday I have my last presentation along with a group project due. Friday will be bliss because classes end on Wed... all I have is my internship, which will be my last of the semester. After that I have one last in class final for one of my art history class and then I will be FREE as a bird.

Until then I have been distracting myself... naughty... by conjuring up a wish list:

1. PS1 Wallet

2. Gold Nixon watch and a classic everyday leather band watch

3. Clarks boots

4. Loeffler Randall rain booties

5. Gap Faux vest

6. BB Dakota Fairview Jacket

7. Haircut (In desperate need of one, it has been a year since I last got my hair cut! AHHH!)

8. The New Polaroid Camera

9. The Clare Vivier Messenger Tote in red or navy, they had a green one but it is not there anymore :(

10. The Clare Vivier Tropezienne bag in brown

There is more but I should really work on my project that is due tomorrow. My partner and I are brainstorming up a title via text. Oh the convenience of texting...

Thanks a lard.

The days following Thanksgiving are always filled with lard, just like Thanksgiving itself.

Jesus, I think I ate a months worth of food in a mere matter of four days. I feel as plump as the two day brined turkey my roommate made for Thanksgiving. If anything, I think I could have been the turkey that fed the nine mouths at Thanksgiving dinner. I did NOT keep track of what I ate for the past four days... and am pretty glad I did not because I feel that those past few days are meant to be untracked due to the holiday festivities of eating like a true American and pigging out.

Anyways, I was looking at my horoscope on Yahoo and liked what I found:

"Are you really into that new cutie, or is it just that competitive streak driving you? If you want something just because someone else does -- or because they have it -- you're not being true to your heart"

Procratinator

It has been a while since I logged in my meal entries... oh wells, here we go. I hope I can remember from Friday.

Friday:

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt+honey, almonds,

1/4 cup granola

1 banana

Lunch:

4 two bites choco chip cookies

1 and a half handful of grapes

1 tofu banh mi

2 pumpkin bread

Dinner:

Last Off the Grid for the season:

1 veggie dumpling

1 pork and chives dumpling

1 gourmet s'more with dark choco

1 All Star chocolate glazed old fashioned donut

Post Dinner:

2 budweiser beers

Saturday:

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt +honey,

1/4 cup granola

almonds

1 banana

Lunch/Snack:

1 chocolate nutella crepe from Squat and gobble

couple of potato bites from a friend

Watched Harry Potter!

Snack:

An apple

Dinner:

Kalbi, rice, kimchee and curry!

Post Dinner:

3 Budlights

1/2 shot of Capt. Morgan

Sunday:

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt + honey,

1/4 cup granola

almonds

1 banana

Lunch:

I forgot what I ate...

Grocery Shopping

Dinner:

Made Korean Spicy Rice Cakes

1 cup broccoli

Handful of cheezeits

Monday:

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt + honey,

1/4 cup granola

almonds

1 banana

Lunch:

Spicy Korean Rice Cakes

1 cup broccoli

Workout:

Went to Intermediate Ashtanga Yoga

Dinner:

Spinach Salad w/

Tofu

1 med tomato

some sort of dessert

Handful of cheezeits

Tuesday:

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt + honey,

1/4 cup granola

almonds

1 banana

Lunch:

1 Orwitz thin sandwich buns w/

honey and banana slices

Handful of cheezeits

Grapes

Snack:

A Fuji apple

Dinner:

Spicy Korean Rice Cakes

Broccoli

4 mini slices of a skinny Acme Baguette w/ PB, honey, and NUTELLA!

No Workout

Wednesday:

Breakfast:

1 Orwtiz thin sandwich buns toasted w/

PB and honey,

Nutella

1 Banana

2 mini Baguette slices, which equals to about one regular slice

Lunch:

Spicy Korean Rice Cakes

Broccoli

handful of cheezeits

Workout:

Going to Intermediate Ashtanga Yoga

This past weekend my friend, K from home came to visit me and another one of our friend who lives in SF too. K goes to school in Seattle and brought along her two other friends from her college. It was a nice and eventful weekend. I did more drinking than I would have liked, past the point of actually enjoying each sip of my beer, but w.e., we only live once and I am a college student. Today I didn't have class because Thanksgiving is tomorrow so no class for five days, counting Sat. and Sun. For Thanksgiving a couple of my girlfriends and I will be having lunch and then for dinner I will be going to my roommate, A's sisters house to have a nice traditional Thanksgiving dinner with his family. I cannot wait to dig it! :D Alright, time to get ready for yoga!

Beautiful Losers.

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt +

1 banana

couple of almonds

handful of granola

honey

Lunch:

handful spinach

tofu!

1 med tomato

1 egg, scrambled w/ mushrooms and tomatoes

ketchup

Snack/Dinner:

4 pieces of pumpkin bread... yeah I know, thats a lot. hahaha, but they aren't loaded with calories

Workout:

35 mins of walk + run combo at the gym.

Late Dinner:

Tofu+mushrooms

frozen grapes

1 piece of pumpkin bread.

I can't help it. I LOVE pumpkin bread, LOVE it.

- Update -

I forgot about Tuesday:

Breakfast:

Lucky Charms

Soy milk

Snack:

The top of a chocolate donut

My teacher brought the whole class donuts for us to eat while watching "Biography: Sesame Streets" :D

Lunch:

Half a sausage sandwich w/

a slice of cheese on wheat bread

A small salad w/

tofu, mushrooms, tomatoes, beets, eggs

Snack:

TJ choco cat crackers

grapes

Dinner:

Fage yogurt + honey, granola, almonds

Plate of grapes and bananas

1 serving salmon

Dessert: Pineapple frangipane/ tart

I scream for ice cream!

Today, I only had one class, painting. After painting my roommates and I went to deal with paying the

rent in which I went to turn in to our landlord. On my way home I stopped by Toyboat, which is a cute dessert and food store. Due to the bipolar weather, here in San Francisco (today was 80 degrees) I decided to get some ice cream because it has been a while since I treated myself to some. I got half a scoop of mint chocolate chip and chocolate peanut butter in a sugar cone. My oh my, it was damn good and hit the spot, especially on a rather hot day today. It felt just like home... which I will be in exactly a month from now. :D

Anyways, here is my meal list for today:

Breakfast:

Lucky Charms Cereal with Soy Milk

A couple of apple and pear slices

Lunch:

The ice cream cone, in which the kind man behind the counter was very generous with (portion wise)

I am still stuffed from the ice cream so I probably won't eat until an hour or so from now.

- Update -

Lunch:

Half a sun dried tomato bagel with

1 egg, scrambled with mushrooms and green onions

ketchup + honey mustard

2 handfuls of spinach

1 med. tomato

Snack/ Dinner:

1 small English Crumpet

w/ butter and honey

a few slices of an apple and asian pear

15 (1 serving) of TJ low fat choco cat crackers

I am currently at work as a gallery sitter in my school's library. I just sit here for three hours and browse who comes in and out and make sure no one steals or touches anything. It is a pretty relaxed job in which I can catch up on my homework or browse the internet.

People watching is a hobby (sounds creepy, but really it isn't) of mine and I like this job because it entails that I people watch the whole three hours without having to feel shameful or embarrassed when people catch me looking at them. ha.

St. Vincent de Paul

So, today I went to St. Vincent de Paul and did my service learning there with my group partner, A. We hold art classes/sessions once a week on Sundays for the homeless. It is great because it gives them something to do on a Sunday afternoon. Rather than being bored and sitting around watching T.V. they can make art with pencils, watercolors, charcoals, crayons, etc. Everyone is really nice and want to meet A and me. So far, I have made a lot of friends whom I see every Sunday :) Meeting everyone and talking to them has made me realize how much I take for granted and that I should be more thankful for what I perceive as daily necessities. Even privacy, I should be thankful for that, because none of the residents at St. Vincent de Paul get any sort of privacy. Today, we let them have another free session, which A and I figured they like because then they are allowed free creativity flow to make whatever they want. Aside from that we gave them the option to make hand turkeys in honor of Thanksgiving. One of the residents made a very beautiful and colorful turkey, it was so lively! He used purple, red, blue, green... and almost every color from the sixteen count Crayola Crayons. I kind of wish I could have kept it, keke.

Anyways, here is what I had for my meals today:

Breakfast:

1 cup Fage yogurt w/ honey

1/2 cup dried blueberries

1/2 cup almonds

1 handful of granola

1 med banana

1 handful of grapes

1 cup of tea

Lunch:

Didn't get the chance to eat and even after getting home I have not gotten hungry yet, breakfast has been holding me over for a solid four hour +. But for the sake of getting something in me I ate a tangerine.

- Update -

Went to the gym and did a walk/run combo for 45 minutes.

Dinner:

Oroweat Sandwich Thin with

1 scrambled egg with mushrooms, a handful of spinach, a whole med. tomato and some ketchup.

1 fistful serving size of Salmon

Dessert:

1/2 an Apple

1/2 a HUGE Asian Pear w/ lihing mui powder

1 serving of TJ low fat choco cat crackers

1 piece of Godiva milk chocolate truffle

-

I decided to keep a food diary online because typing is faster than writing. I have been reading health articles left and right and finally decide to give in and start a food diary. Partially because most of the "experts" in the articles recommend that logging what I have consumed everyday will help me to track what I have been eating and then go in and try to substitute the unhealthy foods with better options. At first I thought it was kind of ridiculous but then decided, "what the heck, I should give it a try, won't hurt me." So here it goes:

Breakfast:
1 cup Fage yogurt
1/3 cup dried blueberries
1/3 cup almonds
1/2- 1 cup granola
A cup of cold peppermint tea
A cup of hot green tea

Lunch:
A "Junior" burger, which was more like an adult serving... maybe x2
(with 4 ketchup packets, 1 mustard packet, pickles, onions, and shredded lettuce.)
Hand full of almonds, dried blueberries, and TJ cat choco crackers.

Went for an hour long walk in Golden Gate Park with my friend.

Dinner:
Haven't got that far yet... I am still full and might just take something to eat while watching a musical my friend is in tonight.

Alright, I should go do something productive, like work on my painting projects and get ready!

- Updated -

Dinner:

2 handfuls of spinach

1 med tomato

1 Tbsp hummus

1 cup Fage yogurt + granola, almonds, blueberries, & honey

Snack:

2 handfuls TJ low fat choco cat crackers

1 handful of Japanese arare.

1 cup of green tea

Word.

"Life is too short not to live your own terms."

I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it!
Chugah Chugah Chooooo Choooooo!

Gypsy Girl.

What is my identity?

Am I Asian?

Am I Korean?

Am I American?

Am I a Asian-American?

Am I a Korean-American?

Or am I all of the above?

For the past three years, being away from Hawaii I have not fully felt grounded. From living in one dorm my Freshman year to moving into another my Sophomore year, then finally moving into a house with two of my guy friends I have never had the chance to feel at home. However, now that I am living off campus I feel a little peace of mind knowing I have an actual place in San Francisco. After a couple of months getting used to living in the house I feel more comfortable and am close to calling this place home... by the way what defines the word home? Dictionary.com pulled up thirty one different definitions and I chose the simplest one, "Any place of residence and refuge."

Does this really whole heartedly define what "home" means? For some it may be what they define as "home" and for others it could have a totally different meaning. Depending on the person and their experiences it will be different. I have yet to fully develop MY personal definition for "home" but as I spend more and more time away from Hawaii I am starting to get a slight, blurred idea of what it means to me. For now, I will just say that home is where my mother is, because she to me is home. Whenever I am with her I always feel comfortable, loved, safe, happy like a child, and content. Even if we were trapped in a cave somewhere (which could never happen because my mom is not much of a hiker or outdoorsy type... unless you count liking the park as being outdoorsy or walking to the grocery store to buy fruits... which is another story) I know these feelings will never change because as long as I am with her I will feel at home.

So to sum it up, home to me is where ever my mother is. She is my home. She gave birth to me, raised, took care, and provided as much as she could for me and my sister as a single mother, so I will forever know, feel, think that my mother is home. After all you are supposed to be comfortable at home to the point that you can run around in your under garments and not have a care in the world, right? Well, I am always comfortable when doing that around my mom, so I guess this gives evidence enough that my mom is my home. :)

As a final word, always cherish your relationships with your family members. They are the only people in the world who truly understand you and will have your back for you, no matter what. I am lucky enough to even be saying this because I have one amazing, loving, supportive, beautiful (inside and out) mother who I know will go to the moon and back for me and an awesome, supportive, realistic sister who though is busy has done so much for me and acted as my second mother, growing up. <3

Alamar...

The more I meet people and get to know them, the more I dislike humans and the more I want to close up. Seriously, there are reasons why many lose hope in the humans. I will not say "human race" because, not to sound pretentious, I learned in my Intro to Anthropology course that there is no such thing as a "human race" and that it is fictional and made up by none other than, of course, humans. Who the hell do we thing we are to make up some shit, like the "human race"? haha.

Anyways, yes, there are reasons why others, aside from myself lose hope in humans all together. I know that one day all humans will eventually die off and the only living "things" left will be nature itself. Ah, beautiful nature. Maybe I am being too cynical? But I would not be me if I were not cynical and pessimistic, well not all the time, in serious situations I try to be pessimistic to keep myself our from Depression. Hey, if I ain't popping pills like its candy to keep me sane then the least I could do is try and be optimistic in difficult and tough situations... then again, I could try to get a medical marijuana card...

"Born to run, baby run, like a stream down a mountainside."

It has been about two months since I have been back in San Francisco. Frightening, I know.

Haha, just kidding. I am feeling much better compared to last semester. I am in my third year of college and my fifth semester. Things have been looking up and I am more comfortable than before. My absent leave from last semester to go home early was the best decision I could have possibly made. I am so thankful to those who helped me in last few days of my fourth semester before leaving to return home. From my professors to the university workers, I am truly thankful and grateful of their care and help. At the time I could have cared less, I just wanted to return home and see my mom but looking back on it with a sensible and healed head and mind, without these people who tried their best to help me I would not be as comfortable as I am now, especially in my fifth semester at school.

I was able to turn in all my finals from last semester and am awaiting on one final grade to decimate my "incompletes" Thank God for my wonderful professors from last semester who understood or at least tried to understand my situation and let me turn in my finals late and worked hard and fast to get my final grades in officially. Due to their speed and time I do not have to worry about having incompletes in my records and will officially be a Junior soon... (because of the incompletes I am technically a Sophomore)

Okay, enough about school, my whole life has been about school. I won't die if I don't talk about school for a second. The summer, my family (especially my mom), my friends, and the beautiful little island of Oahu has healed me. It is amazing how this combination can really change a person. For me I could say it was my saving grace. Without it I would have continued to fade away into the background of life and disappeared like the Bermuda Triangle, never to be spotted or found. I was like the Bermuda Triangle, people knew I existed but they just did not know where I was. Physically, I was present, but mentally and spiritually I was not, I was no where to be found. It was as if a fog had rolled over and hid my mind and soul away from view. If I had stayed in San Francisco at that particular time for any longer I would have deteriorated by now and I do not know what would have happened to me.

However, I am glad to know where I am right now and that is... in my room with Kings of Leon flowing out from my ITunes while my roommates are asleep in the room adjacent to mine. The time is 1:13 a.m. and I am present, physically, mentally, and spiritually. This is how I would like to be, forever. I never want to return to the past state that I was in. I confess I am still not at my optimum best and I can definitely work on many more things and will always continue to question myself, however at this moment I am content and that is all that matters. Especially for someone who was in my position. All that matters is that I am comfortable and content with myself and my life. I do not have to know what will happen to me after I graduate or even a semester from now, if I will be studying abroad or not? All I have to do is concentrate on now and the present because this is where I am. I may not be fully happy with the way things are going and yes, every once in a while I will ask myself, "Why aren't you as happy as you were before?" But, it doesn't matter and I am learning that everyday because the person I was a year or two ago is not the same me. I am no longer depressed but it does not mean I am exactly the happiest I could be. I am just content and it is all that matters to me. By the way, should I count how many times I used the word content? Haha, on second thought I think it would better not to. Alright, until next time. Adieu.

Circle.

I am lost. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I stand. I am not in control of my own life. I am not the leading lady of my life. I want help, but I don't know where to go to. I am in this never ending cycle that takes control of my life. It consumes me and has no mercy. Like a washing machine on spin cycle it spins and spins me around till I am too fragile to get up and then spits me out. But of course it does not end. It continues and I don't know how to break the cycle.

Help.

I should just say it now.

I am depressed.

It sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I have been depressed for months and only a week ago was I able to do something about it. I am such a stupid and cowardly girl. I cannot believe I did not try to get any sort of help earlier because I have suffered for far too long. It has been a long and arduous adventure. One in which I endured way too much.

Too much for my own good.

I did not tell anyone and just kept everything all in. My poor mom was the only one who knew and it killed me knowing that this would cause her to stress out more than she should. She worried so much over my state and condition... it is understandable, but I did not want to be a burden. I know in her eyes and heart I am not a burden but to me I will forever feel like one because I always bring unnecessary stress to my mother.

I left school over a week earlier than I was supposed to for summer because I could not take it. I cracked under the pressure and I feel so disappointed in myself. I cannot believe I left without taking my finals, but I had to. I know I had to, my heart knows this too and told me it would be best to. However, my brain told me, NO, do not leave early... if you do then you are a weak coward, just stay and endure whatever it is to finish your finals. Thank God, I listened to my heart and the advice of my professors and more importantly, my mother. I am so grateful to my professors and the professionals at my school who worked hard to help me and understood my state and the position that I was in. Most of them encouraged me to go home if I felt that was the best immediate solution to help me.

So here I am at home, safe, but still worrying and depressed.

I thought being home would solve all my problems and that I would not be depressed... but guess what, I still am depressed.

Of course, there were happy moments with my family and my friends, but deep down inside I am alway sad and unhappy. Unhappy with the person that I am. I cannot accept the person that I am, I always strive to be more. Why is it that I can never accept myself? I just do not understand. I just do not.

I am also constantly worrying of the future and get nervous and anxious. I stop myself before I get the urge to throw up and get hysterical. I worry about what will happen to me or will become of me. I worry I am not on par with other people my age. I criticize and compare myself to almost everyone. I, of all people should never do this. Because I understand and prize individuality and uniqueness in every person, yet with myself I compare and compare, to the point where I feel that I must work harder to be like everyone. I do not quite understand it.

I do not understand many things. I do not understand myself. And that is why I am depressed and need help. I want answers, answers that I never seem to receive. I should not always be asking for things, instead I should be giving and helping those who are less fortunate from me, however, in this current state I am the less fortunate and I am the one who needs help. I am the one that I would never want anyone else to have to experience.