Fall Break

Fall Break has finally come. This week and the week before have been overwhelming and stressful. I really need this break to relax and sleep. It's already the middle of October... I can't believe how fast first semester is going. Soon it will be Winter Break! I don't miss home yet. I do miss my mom but not much, I am fine being all alone in SF. It's fun. Plus, I've made new friends, so I am having fun aside from school. This semester has been a lot harder and busier than last year. I don't party and pretty much relax with my friends any chance I have. Instead of partying we just go out to relax and grab some coffee or food at random cafes. It's a lot nicer than going out and getting wasted. I am tired of partying and don't know how I used to do it every weekend. It really wastes a lot of time, in my opinion. I'd rather stay in and watch a movie with friends, go exploring around the city or just sit and have a nice chat. It helps to get to know others on a different and more personal level. I've made friends with people who like to chill like I do so it works out nice. :) I do miss some of my other friends from last year but it's hard to hang out with them cause we are all so busy and have different schedules and life styles. But it's okay cause sometimes friends just drift apart. It's all a part of life and I definitely accept it because it helps me to pick out the friends who genuinely want to stay connected and still be friends. I am not pointing fingers at anyone in particular because I, for one did not take the time/initiative to hang with some of my old friends too, so it goes both ways. I'm sure we will all reconnect again sooner or later.

Anyways, I can't seem to get the thought of who I am and where I am headed in life. When I look at the mirror I don't know who I am looking at. I see a girl, but sometimes she looks empty... her eyes, they don't glisten with life. They are as black as the night sky, minus the stars. It's hard because sometimes I seem happy and other times I seem to be awake, but lifeless, going through life and not enjoying it. No, I am not depressed, that is too severe and dramatic of me to say or think I am, because depression it something that is not to be taken lightly. I would say I am in more of a stump or early life crisis. I guess I could call it the blues too. 

I feel that life for me is too good to be true right now. I have a place to live, I don't have to worry about food because of our meal plan at school, I don't work so that means more time to just study, and etc. Pretty much life is easy but I just have to make it so complicated by over thinking everything! I know that after college life will be a lot harder because I will be supporting myself, compared to college where I am handed everything I pretty much need to survive. It's so odd. I don't understand why I can't just accept life as it is and be happy. Is it me? Is it my need to want more and achieve more? Is it so wrong to think like that? It must really be me... but I just don't know who I am. I want to know the person I am, I want to be my own best friend, I want to accept myself and my life, and I just want answers. All my life I have wanted answers and I know it may sound demanding of me, but I don't really care because I still have not received any answers! Wow, I must sound crazy right now but I don't care ha. 

There's just so much I want to say but it is really hard when my mind moves faster than my fingers to type/write/process all of my thoughts out. Sometimes I just feel that one day my thoughts will drive me to the grave. Yeah, that sounds grim but really if you entered my mind, you wouldn't be able to survive one second of it. The only way for me to stop over thinking is by talking to someone. If I leave myself all alone for too long it will lead to destruction of self. Which, I find odd because I like being alone most of the times but when I am alone I slowly kill myself by filling my mind with too many thoughts. My brain works overtime, and definitely not for anything school related. ha.